40 Ways , WHY MEN FAILED IN BED |
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40 ways, MEN fail in Bed
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like
you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out
nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference
between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your
50th birthday cake. That hurts. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly
across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not
passion, it's avoidance. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on
a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to
deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to
chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending
they're a doggie toy isn't. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like
you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not
just the exclamation points. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the
Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you
go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and
underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things
off. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the
clitoris. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to
square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw
or not. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid shewill look when naked at the waist with a
sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up
between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the
vagina is where it's all at No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff
stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it
can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and
the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she
likes it. You're attempting to give her a sensual relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands
and fingertips are okay elbows and knees are not. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting
your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away
like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel lie an assembly-line worker made obsolete
by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is
equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make
sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex
god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing
wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon
Man. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't
know, don't ask. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk.. Get your whole mouth down there, and
concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very
swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged
to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking
seductively to her. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's
performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't
grab her head. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it
just means more laundry to do. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work
is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a
schooner. And let her have a rest. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want
to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words
"__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and
licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax
and permanent dye are a no no. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast,
don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped
hamstrings. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate.
Women don't. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it
carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes
nasty talk, she'll let you know. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even
do the same for you. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will
turn blue. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.